Mommy Issues: Dealing with a Parent’s Toxicity without hatred

Mother – the epitome of kindness and unconditional love! A mother’s love is considered the highest form of love, without asking for anything in return. Such thoughts and opinions are also absolutely true – but not always! Sometimes, mothers can be toxic and harmful to a child – because of the pressure of work, undiagnosed mental health issues, or just because they are just who they are. As a result, some of us get broken to the extent that they can never be fixed. I am one of those people. So in this blog, I want to take you through my journey with my mother and talk about my “mommy issues”, and how I dealt with my toxic parent and still love her with everything I have.

My Mom as I remember her

My mom has been a very chirpy and happy person. She was just a child when she got married. In a span of 10 months, she delivered me, her first child, at an age of 17 years. She went through several complications of a teen pregnancy, which included seizures at the time of delivery, and poor support throughout her time as an expecting mother.

Thereafter, she had two more children, of which one was a preemie and the delivery and raising of the child was extremely complicated. She was helping her infant thrive and live, while managing a very active and curious child (me) and also managing the whole house by herself. She had no option of looking after herself at all and suffered through the process.

She had a third child, despite severe warnings from her doctors. It went OK, but her recovery was tumultuous owing to her previous pregnancies. She developed more health complications and her health didn’t seem to get any better. What I’m trying to indicate here is that from a young age, she was dealing with a lot.

The Point where it changed drastically

When her children were 12, 7 and 3, we all moved to Varanasi as a decision of my father to move back to his home town from Mumbai. It was a major change to leave a well set up life and her own home, and live a new life, with new people, in a joint family set up now.

She was not adjusting too well to many factors and it was a very bothersome life. More so, her youngest was still a toddler, and her husband was still in Mumbai, wrapping things up. She must have felt alone and highly uncomfortable.

I was a teen

I was pretty much 12-13 years old, and all the move to another city happened. Before that time, I did not have any major harsh memories of my mother. All the harsh memories are from thereafter. Whether it was her being in extreme stress due to the move and new situations, or if it was me who was growing a mind of her own as a teenager – or a combination of both these aspects?? I probably don’t have an accurate answer.

I remember feeling that my mother had changed. She would say the meanest things to me. Probably because I was the oldest and she could vent out on me. The other two were too young to be scolded or yelled upon.

I learned household work very soon, and tried to help her as much as I could. But on days that she lost her temper, whatever the reason, I was the punching bag. She did throw some insane verbal punches and it damaged me every day. I hated being home but I also had nowhere else to go. This was also the time when I developed severe Migraine issues – they persist till today and some days, no medicine or remedy works.

This was also the time when her mother suddenly passed. She thought of calling her one night, and since she did not have a proper phone at home, she had to go to an STD Booth. She decided to save those rupees, and probably call her mother in a day or two. The next morning, the news of her mother came in. She lived with that guilt that she chose Rs 2 over speaking to her mother for the last time.

I put pieces of info and built  timeline of her life events in my head and every time I think of having to manage 3 demanding kids along with her own life troubles – must have been a nightmare.

When I was in College

When I was in college, everyday was a horrible fight with her. I always thought of the quote – “Mother is a daughter’s best friend” and remember being enraged with it. I used to stay back in college friend’s hostel rooms in order to just kill time, looking out t he window. I did not want to go home and do anything at all.

Soon, my mother developed complications in her uterus and had to have it removed. That coincided with me going to study further in a different city. She was left, yet again, in wriggling pain. She couldn’t stop me because even though I was immense support to her, she wanted the best for me.

I was happy with the distance

I was happy with the distance between me and her. I called her once or twice a week and it went better than it used to when we were together.

When I got Married

I was happy to get married and she wasn’t. She missed me and she cried for me and it wasn’t that bog a deal for me. She completely changed being rude or pathetic to me with her words then. But the damage was done. I was a broken person but I never realized it.

When I had children, she came over to help. That is the time when I understood so much of her emotions toward me. That is when I actually fell in love with my mom again. She nourished me with all her heart and soul. It showed!

She was so kind and sweet to my children – I could not believe she is the same person who raised me so differently. I saw a side of her I did not know existed. That’s when I also realized, that she probably is not aware of the damage she has done to me.

I got Diagnosed with Depression

4 years after my children were born, I went to a psychiatrist to seek intervention. I was diagnosed with recurrent and chronic depression, originating and being untreated since many many years, possibly childhood.

I went through a lot of treatments, medications and therapy in order to feel OK in life. All through, I always wondered why my mom was so harsh to me – what made her a toxic parent. How intense damage her razor sharp words had caused! I wasn’t happy with how I looked, I felt talentless, I felt fat and ugly, I was a failure in all aspects in life –  and these were all things my mother had said to me – repeatedly.

The Corona Pandemic

The corona pandemic was a harsh time for the whole of mankind. That is when I decided to have my whole family assessed for mental health issues. I suspected my mother would also be diagnosed with depression or bipolar – and she was. She had rage and anxiety issues.

That answered a lot of my questions – she was a toxic parent to me because she knew no other way to deal with her emotions of rage, suppression, being dominated and being treated like a nobody. My mom and I were more similar than we knew. I was pretty much like her when it came to emotional make up.

Here’s how I worked towards it

I was damaged. She was damaged. I was aware and was seeking treatment. I decided to be a mom-ly figure for her. Reminding her of her meds, taking timely appointments for her, keeping close track of her health and improvement. Here are some other tips that I put to use:

• She behaved wrong when she became a toxic parent to me. She did not know the right way. I know the right way now, so I will break the cycle and not carry the toxicity forward.
• I took great care and showed her love. I was surprised  how much of it she needed.
• My mom needed a friend, a parent, an anchor that understood her and valued her. I became that person for her, as well as for myself.
• I often spoke to her about the days she spent being mean and horribly toxic to me. She cried many times and apologized many times. While we both understand that things can’t be changed, but hearing an apology did make me feel better. I forgave her and my dislike or hatred for her does not exists anymore.
• I set boundaries with her. If she asks or behaves in a toxic or inappropriate way with me or my siblings, I speak to her and look eye to eye. I explain how this is getting damaging, and equip her with better dealing strategies to get what she wants without being hurtful. So I not just stop her from being toxic, but I also equip her with alternate strategies to deal with it all.
• My siblings and I have all been working on boundaries and clear communication with each other. If we don’t like, we clearly tell the other person about it and correct our behaviour.
• I don’t have to say YES to everything she asks or demands. If I can, I do, if I Can’t, I tell her.
• I am mindful of what I share with her. I do not overshare parts of my life with her, prohibiting her from entering spaces of my life where I do not need her to. eg. My sex life.
• I go by the mantra ” I speak to my mother with a pure intention. But if she interprets it wrong, It is not my fault. Her anger and frustration is NOT my fault. It’s just the person she is and has learnt bad coping strategies. It’s not me who is wrong.”
• Understand that she loves me, and I love her, but we can still disagree.
• I detach myself from the room or conversation wherever I can foresee an argument coming up with her.

Final Thoughts on toxic Parents

This blog has taken immense courage from me  to type it. My moms is known to be a kind hearted, gentle woman who loves a lot. Someone who is immensely involved in religious activities and has a very strong faith. In those cases, I did feel for a long time that I was at fault and I must have caused her all the triggers.

That is why, this blog felt like a safe space to speak about my journey. I love my mom immensely. I also feel she was deeply deprived of love, affection and respect which eventually made her what she had become. But I am trying my best to bring her to the happy self she was when we lived in Mumbai.

My mother has been a phenomenal and forgiving parent as well. She has equipped me and taught me well. She made me into the strong and brave girl I am today. So judging her by her bad moments did not seem fair.

I FORGAVE MY MOM.

It helped me move on from the bad days and now I barely remember them!

Thank you Rakhi from jayashankarrakhi and Roma from trulyyoursroma  for hosting the Truly Yours Holistic Emotions Blog hop and helping us come out with never spoken before aspects of our lives.

I hope you enjoyed the read!

Do let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

DISCLAIMER: My depression is a result of multiple environmental and genetic aspects, and my relationship with my mom is just one of the factors. Kindly do not misinterpret the blog as me pointing at my mother as being the cause of my depression.